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If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it. Nowhere is this saying truer than in dating. If you’ve found a new love interest that you plan to take out on Valentine’s Day, you naturally want to say something memorable to impress her.

Oftentimes, however, men forget themselves and boldly speak their minds in complete disregard of the feelings of others. This can get you in hot water later, especially if your date doesn’t share your beliefs and has a different opinion about the subject matter.

Since your main objective is to win her over, don’t force your opinions and beliefs on her. You won’t get her that way. Remember that most women are highly emotional about certain topics so it makes no sense in changing your date’s mind about things overnight. Neither will it help your cause if you appear like an insensitive bigot or a one-sided fool.

When talking to her, choose your subjects wisely. Make her laugh and comfortable in your presence. Avoid controversial topics or those that produce negative emotions like guilt, anger, jealousy, fear, tension or depression. Learn to say what she likes to hear and you’ll be surprised how far you’ll go.

Wherever you go and whatever you do, steer clear of these hot topics. They won’t get you anywhere and you’ll only end up alienating your date:

Evolution vs. creation. Which came first – the chicken or the egg? No one knows for sure so don’t ruin the perfect date by talking about something that can’t be answered. You’ll end up arguing instead of making love.

Religion. This is another highly debatable subject that you can both discuss for hours and agree on nothing. Many wars have been fought because of religion and even members of the same church are sometimes split when it comes to interpreting it. Don’t put this in your list of topics.

Her boyfriend. Let her talk about her boyfriend if she wants to but don’t make any bad remarks about him. Just listen to her and smile. Often she’s just testing you to see how you’ll react. Think about it: if she’s not interested in you, why would she go out with you in the first place?

To get back at her, you can try reverse psychology by saying, “I’m glad you and your boyfriend are getting along pretty well and I’m happy for both of you. It’s hard finding the perfect guy nowadays.” That will make you the perfect gentleman and will give her something to think about.

Your frustration with women. This isn’t the time to talk about your boring love life or your misfortunes with other members of the opposite sex. She’ll think you’re a loser and will have second thoughts about dating you again.

Don’t be bitter about your past or dwell on your bad relationships. Keep the conversation pleasant and make it appear you love everything about women – the way they dress, their charms, their passion and femininity. Your date will love you for that!

Most warm-blooded mammals enjoy receiving gifts. Thanks to the cold, electrical grid of fiber optics cable crisscrossing our globe, we can now send all our friends and enemies birthday ecards. Send what, you say! Send ecards. On their birthdays. Dont rely on the postal system to get anything right (though they do a pretty god job of it). Cut your stress time in half and free up some of your precious time. Wasting time sending a birthday car two weeks early? Forget it! You can send ecards on the frigid day!

The speed of light is the fasts speed there is! And guess how fast emails and stuff go. Thats right ” pretty fast. Quantum fast. Now, Ive seen a few of the more popular one ” and its like watching the last trailer of the new Jim Carey movie. Usually. There are some really lame ones out there. Nothing is perfect, but seriously, guys, can we try a little harder?

Granted, all youre looking for, really, is a good chuckle. The chances that birthday ecards will make people fall down laughing are pretty thin. These days, thats a tall order. No much is going to physically get people down in the aisles and rolling. That being said, though, there is a number of keen clips thatll get your recipient on the sunny side of life.

It is totally crazy ridiculous how easy they are to send. Have I said this already? Maybe I have. But it doesnt matter because it bears repeating. Theyre easy to send and ” get this ” theyre free! I mean, not all ecards are free, but some of the funnier sites have free clips. So two major stumbling blocks have been hurdled with the grace off an Olympian: cost and ease of use.

Keeping a massive logbook of whose birthday is when is like carrying a crossbow. It’s nonsense. Most of us hear about someones birthday on the day. Thats super red alert, panic time and time to get something funny fired across the fiber-optic cables. Save the trees, save the ink creatures ” stop destroying the earth and send an ecards instead. What red-blooded mammal wants to do-in his environment? Be a human being and send birthday ecards! The future of the planet depends on your good senses.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the feisty and foolish President of Iran, was coming back from one of his frequent addresses to students, who always agree with him 100%, when a camel walked out onto the road his limo was zipping along.

“Look, a camel,” called his perceptive driver, slamming on the brakes.

“Just give him a minute,” Mahmoud observed sagely, “and I’m sure he’ll cross the road to get to the other side.”

“Why?” the bodyguard next to the driver asked, inadvertently poking himself in the eye with his AK-47.

“To get a drink of water,” witty Mahmoud suggested.

“Ha,” chuckled the driver and the bodyguard, making up, through their feigned camaraderie, the usual “Ha, ha.”

But, instead of behaving as projected, the camel ambled up to the limo and looked in at Mahmoud. Then, quite to the Mayor-turned-President’s surprise, it began to move its lips as if it was speaking in Farsi.

Ever the obliging pawn of the ruling mullahs, Mahmoud rolled down his window, and asked, “Can I help you?”

“Yez, Prez,” the camel replied, with a curious accent that seemed to be due to its rubbery lips.

Astonished, Mahmoud exclaimed, “How can a camel talk?”

“It’z a zpecial gift from Allah.”

“Really?” the President pondered.

“Yez. There I waz, zleeping by a watering hole last night, when Allah appeared on my back, and zaid, ‘I have a problem.’

“I didn’t know what to say,” the camel went on, “because I didn’t know how to talk.

“Then Allah zaid, ‘Let’z talk.’

“And, suddenly, I knew how.

“So I zaid, ‘Thankz, what’s up?’

“Allah sighed, and told me, ‘Try az I might, I can’t find a zsingle Iranian with the courage to have an honest talk with Mahmoud. Zo I’ve decided to give you the azzignment.’”

“A lowly camel, appearing on behalf of Allah?” Mahmoud questioned.

“No, a camel chozen by Allah,” came the wise reply. “Zo I zaid to Allah, ‘How can I help?’”

“And what did Allah say?” Mahmoud half scoffed.

The camel glanced at the bodyguard with the AK-47 and trembled with fear.

“Relax,” Mahmoud told him. “He won’t shoot. I promise.”

“Thankz,” the camel replied.

“So what did Allah tell you?”

“He said, ‘Go to Mahmoud and tell him he has a suicide wish.’”

“A suicide wish?” Ahmadinejad exclaimed, and jumped out of the limo. “Allah told you that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel said. “Not only that, he said you’re acting it out for the whole nation of Iran.”

“Now, why would I do that?” Mahmoud demanded.

“He zaid you mizinterpreted the Koran.”

“I did?”

“Yez, he said that you think after you die you’ll go to Paradize az a martyr and have a zubliminal wish to go there. But he zaid you forgot that he created you so you would live before you die. In fact, he created the whole univerze so you could live before you die. So ending your life by choice defeatz his primary purpose. Naturally, he’z upzet. Very upzet.”

“But how am I trying to commit suicide?”

“He zaid with your polizy of nuclear development.”

The bodyguard knew any negative talk about the Iranian centrifuge subterfuge would anger Mahmoud, who had somehow conflated the prestige of Iran with his, along with his superintending mullahs’, nuke-a-duke policy. So he hefted his principal means of communication, the AK-47, and asked, “Want me to silence him? I can do it without admitting it.”

“No,” Mahmoud replied insightfully. “A camel who can talk should not be shot.”

The camel did not take the bodyguard’s suggestion in stride, and uttered, “Uh-oh.” Then it turned to trot away.

“Come back here and tell me what else Allah said,” Mahmoud commanded him.

The camel stopped but only to call back, “He zaid you know you’re involved in a gamble you can’t win.”

“He said that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel dared to affirm, and glanced at the bodyguard. “Don’t zhoot or I’ll zhut up.”

“He won’t,” Mahmoud assured the spooked camel, and turned to the bodyguard. “He may be a camel, but he’s a messenger of Allah. So no gunplay.” Then he looked back at the eloquent dromedary. “Did he say why I can’t win?”

“Yez, he zaid that the closer you get to succezz, the more other nationz will want to ztop you.” The camel swallowed hard and blurted out. “They will bomb you before they let you have a bomb.”

“He zaid that?” Mahmoud asked, and then, realizing he had just slipped into the curious accent of the camel, corrected himself. “I mean, he said that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel confirmed. “Not only zhat, he zaid you’re telling the other countriez you’re only doing it for a reazon that izn’t credible, because Iran haz plenty of oil, so it doesn’t need nuclear power for energy.”

“Anything else?” Mahmoud asked, grinding his teeth a bit.

“The most important zing: He told me to tell you to ztop.”

“Or?”

The camel swallowed hard, and then said, “I’m supposed to go from one city to the next and tell people to stop you, so they don’t have to die with you.”

The bodyguard waved his AK-47 in the sun.

The camel noticed it, and said, “Zo, quick! What’s your decision?”

“My decision is, you must be a mirage. Whoever heard of a talking camel – especially one who claims to be a messenger from Allah?”

“I think you’re right, boss,” the bodyguard called, and wiggled his rifle. “Want me to give it the hole-in-the-head test?”

Ahmadinejad took out his handkerchief and wiped his forehead, considering the possibility. Then he said, “Why waste bullets on a mirage?”

Getting back into the limo, he huffed skeptically, “Drive on. And don’t either one of you tell anybody I was talking to a camel.”